It's been over a month since I wrote about Reagan. Things have been fairly calm. She spent a week at Grandma's house and had lots of fun. She came home with a deep tan and extra attitude.

Reagan is going to need a high paying career. Her birthday is coming up, and she has filled my ears with plans and ideas. I am excited for her, but I've got lots of things to plan and prepare for between now and then. I need to pace myself, I'm old.

School is starting in two weeks, and she is thrilled to death about that. She has harassed me relentlessly to take her shopping for the rest of her school supplies. She will not be put off by "when we have the money". She wants to know exactly when that will be. God, I'd tell her if I knew. She went so far as to ask me the other day if I'd gotten paid yet, and was offended that I would place rent, utilities and food above her new three ring binder and shoes.

Before Reagan's birthday and the new school year, I have another birthday party to throw. I kind of need to do one thing at a time. I wish she understood me better, and I wish I understood her better. We are so different. I was never really interested in the same things she is when I was her age. Not that they are bad, I just can't relate. She cares a lot about fitting in with the right crowd and (geesh) attracting boys already. I just wanted to read and have fun and learn. I liked music and books and TV, but I didn't care about fashion or looking cool yet. I just don't get it, and I wish that I could fake it for her sake.

It seems at the same time that she is demanding that I buy her stuff, she's trying to get out of doing her fair share of household duties. I get so tired of asking and reminding. I've tried endless charts and incentives and consequences, and just recently decided I didn't want to live in such a punitive environment. It's been nearly six months, but I don't feel my kids respect me any more or want to pitch in any more, and I know housework sucks sometimes and I don't want to do it either. It's very important that I teach my kids basic life skills and responsibility, even if they make me crazy in the process.

Reagan is a great help with Libby and Ari though, when she wants to be. She really and truly adores her baby brother and sister. I hope they have great sibling relationships when they grow up. I always worry that maybe she's jealous of them, since they get to live with their dad and her dad is a worthless piece of shit. I didn't tell her that, but she's recently figured it out. I thought it would be more satisfying, but it's just heartbreakingly sad. I wish I could fix that too.

I don't get the people who worry they'll never make it through breastfeeding and diapers and teething and toilet training. This right here, late childhood, is the toughie for me. I suck at this stage, and I hope I don't screw things up too badly.

More positive post next time, I promise.