x-posted at Will to Live and Stepiphany

The older kids are testing every parental resolve I own. I admit here that I am a waffler. I don't passionately come down on any side of any one parenting theory. I have passionate ideas about parenting, passionate preferences; but I don't passionately believe in or abhor corporal punishment; or passionately embrace or disdain unconditional or "free" parenting. We are very strict about some things, and very liberal with others. We are probably "goal oriented" parents; but when we stop and think, that doesn't fit either. We want to raise responsible, caring citizens.
We want to raise self assured, well rounded individuals. These "goals" often are at odds.

The most important thing is that my kids know they are loved. Second, is that they take responsibility for their own happiness. Third, is that they are raised compassionately and learn compassion. I also want them to have a fun and protected childhood, but that is not as important to me as the first three.

It is hard to maintain standards and maintain compassion simultaneously. It is easy to fall back on the way we were parented. It is easy to be judgemental instead of objective. It is hard to understand.

My oldest, extremely bright, son tells me he is just not motivated when I ask how he managed to earn two F's and a D. I do not understand. I might be judging too harshly, but I am worried.

My ten year old daughter doesn't seem to care about consequences, except to try to avoid them by lying and cheating. When she is caught, she seems to have no remorse or guilt. I do not understand. I might be judging too harshly, but I am very worried.

I am considering family counseling, but no one ever likes my ideas.

The sweetest, friendliest, most lovable child I have ever known is now a sullen, sarcastic, incorrigible ten year old.

I am bewildered, frustrated, and angry. Trouble at school, trouble at home, and getting too big for her britches. She is defensive, aggressive, and unapologetic. She has cheated and lied, cheated and lied, disrupted class, verbally attacked, ignored, refused, and protested. I have tried to talk to her, withheld priviledges, provided consequences....questioned, lectured, yelled, cried, pleaded; and then...remained aloof, maintained composure, stated things matter-of-factly.

She is stubborn, and that quality isn't all bad. Right now though, she is scaring the shit out of me!

Reagan cheated on a test. She actually took a test for two of her friends. Then she lied about it (when I asked her if she wanted to tell me anything...she got beligerent instead of confessing). She also had her friends writing her sentences (that Paul assigned) for her. She is not the least bit remorseful for any of it. She is angry and I don't know why. She chose to do this the week of her field trip to the state capital, and the week before Spring Break. So now she is more mad at me because I "won't let her go on her field trip". I didn't make that decision until she was rude and hateful with me instead of telling me what she did. I gave her ample opportunity to confess. :(

Reagan was able to retake her test, and she did better. She still wasn't back up to a 9th grade reading level, but she was happy with her results. She also caught up on her chores and her schoolwork after missing two days. I know she still didn't feel well, but she really wanted to get back to school and get caught up.

My birthday was really nice, in spite of sick children.

It included sushi and chocolate, so I was happy. I got an hour or two to myself and a nice lunch with Paul before returning to the house of ILL.

Reagan was running a 102 temp and just lying around. Libby barely moved from the couch until I got home. Ari was happier, but still running a fever. William seems ok, but he has a cough. Poor boy ended up doing everyone else's chores.

x-posted everywhere

My Christmas spirit had almost returned full force by the magic shining on their little faces when Miss Reagan cut me down in my tracks.

When I said that we couldn't go to the community center for the post parade festivities because my glasses were broken and I needed to make it home before they fell apart anymore (the baby kicked me in the face when I tried to put him on my shoulders), she huffed out, "You always say we will do these things later but you never do!"

Well we had not planned on the community center, which was another reason I said we needed to go home. I reminded her that we had missed the Christmas parade last year and planned to make it this year, and we did. It cut me to the quick and I cried all the way home. Why do children do this?

Reagan was in top form yesterday, even to the point of needless flattery. "I like your hair Mama". It was a bad hair day. "Thanks honey, but I don't particularly like it today" "Well you always look pretty to me Mommy" Yes, of course I asked her what she wanted!